Yes, it's been awhile. Well, I DID get stood up. I'm not surprised. Almost 2 weeks ago, I had lunch with Johnny and had a lot of fun. I assume nothing, although we are still talking occasionally. We both work a lot so, that's understandable. I've had a lot of stress lately, and not so much due to things that have happened but I can just handle stress a lot less successfully than I used to. I go to the Lexington Mental Health Center June 14th, so hopefully I will get some answers. Bipolar is a concern, and I KNOW I have Anxiety. So hopefully I will be able to at least get a prescription for that, because lately it has made me a bitter person. I don't like it at ALL.

Chris promised me a pass/ticket, which should be here sometime next week. Yay. And Amber said she can get me one also. I just don't want to have her get only one until I have the pass from Chris in hand, just in case. Then I'll just pay her for that one when I'm in Arizona. I'll be there June 24th (Friday) - June 27th (Monday). Amber wants me to go to David's Bridal with her on Saturday, plus I'm getting a new tattoo on Saturday with my sister also. It's going to be a bit hectic... As long as I get the ticket from her, that's my main concern.

I'm incredibly excited to see my baby boy!!! I already know I'm going to cry when I see him!! Unfortunately, I'll only have one day with him when I get back here before I have to go back to work. That's okay... he can come with, and play with the other kids, but I just really miss him and want as much time alone with him as possible. I already plan on cutting my workouts back to twice a week when he's here. Then he can go to the daycare at the gym and play with other kids too. I know it's hard being in one place a lot, especially at 2 1/2, so he can get some playtime that way too.

I have to find a car seat/booster seat, potty, and get pull-ups for when he gets here. There's a lot to do... just trying to focus on one thing at a time!! It's going to be quite difficult getting up at 7am with him after working until 3am - but it's worth it. It's going to kill me when he goes back with my mom, but I'll just have to keep busting my ass to get him out here.

I'm exhausted. I've been keeping myself pretty busy. I have spinning class two days a week, weight lifting class two days a week, and tanning on the way to work Monday-Friday. Then I'm volunteering for Vacation Bible School June 20-24 9am-12pm. THEN, hopefully I'll be flying to Arizona June 24th in the afternoon and coming back Monday night. Then back to the regular routine on Tuesday. In about a month, I will have $40 saved - plus whatever extra I have the next 2 pay periods. I need $300... so I might need to ask my mom or my dad for some help. I really need to see Xander, so I hope I can pull it off. It will also depend on Amber. She is the one I'd have to get the tickets from. So I hope that all works out okay.

I work until 3am tonight, then wake up tomorrow at 7am to leave the house at 7:45 and get to class for 8:15am spinning. Then I have to leave at 1pm to go to Taco Bell, meet up with a friend for lunch, then go to work until 3am. I'm going to spinning Friday at 9:15am since I missed on Tuesday - I usually don't work out Fridays. Then Saturday I will probably sleep all day, and HOPEFULLY not get stood up again for dinner on Saturday. This is this particular friend's last chance to spend time with me, and as it is they are making up to me for standing me up last time.

I hope tonight goes okay - the kids are in a hell of a mood!

I'm feeling a little better this morning. While I still want nothing to do with Amber, I can't really burn bridges yet. She's my only connection to get tickets for my mom to bring Xander out next month. So, alas, I must put on a facade and be nice and "Friendly". But I still maintain that there is NO WAY I'm getting an apartment with her and her white trash boyfriend. I mean, the girl isn't even divorced yet and already set a wedding date with this kid for November! That's 7 months away. Her divorce may not even be final by then!! Ugh... she's an idiot.

Anyway, I'm feeling better because my mother's day gift to myself was a month of game time. So I played WoW with John and Marcus last night for a bit, then went to bed. Oh, how I missed that game. When the kids I babysit are in bed tonight, I plan on playing again. At least I have something to pass the time now that school will be done with until August!!

So much to do this morning: laundry, cleaning, the last of my homework for the semester, and getting ready for work tonight. Hopefully I can get it all done, and start keeping up with everything - get more of a routine going! I still need to call the mental health center to find out what it would cost for an appointment. I'll probably get dressed, put in a load of laundry, and have breakfast first - then call. I have $100 saved for the car, but that may need to go towards this now. Hopefully it's enough. If it'll make me feel better, more like myself, then it's worth it.

First off, I haven't heard back from that woman about the job. Maybe she found someone else, I don't know. So I've continued to look for weekend or part-time work. I want to get this car paid off and get my own place.

Last night APPARENTLY Shane got arrested for something he didn't do. I won't get into details, but someone put something stolen in his car and reported it stolen at a time when he knew Shane would be driving the car. That's all I know, and I haven't heard from him or anyone since. Then, my so-called best friend was supposed to spend this week with me. She spent the last week with her so-called boyfriend. Because he "doesn't want her to" she decided to tell me she isn't coming. She supposedly was going to spend today with me, yet it's already 1pm and at this rate if she DOES show up it'll be for about an hour. NOT worth it. So not only has she blown me off for a guy yet again, but she's decided to marry him - another man who, like Brandon, will keep her from her friends. If she thinks I'm still getting an apartment with her NOW, she is out of her damn mind!!

I did get to talk to my son - the one good thing that happened today. My dad sent me an Amazon gift card for Mother's Day. The only time I was happy today was talking to my mom, my son, and being at church this morning.

In addition to all of this, while I have never been formally diagnosed with bipolar anyone who knows me even a little bit knows I have it. I go through such extremes. I'm trying to put some money together to go see someone, see if I need medication, counseling, etc. I just don't want to feel like this, I want to be myself without the intense mood swings. I'm going to call the Lexington office tomorrow and see what I can do. I don't have health insurance here, so I'll have to see about that first and what it will cost with self-pay. I'm afraid of the cost.

On a brighter note, I hope all the mothers in my life and in the world have a wonderful day with their families.

I have an interview for a second job tomorrow. It would be enough to get an apartment possibly in a month, which would be GREAT! Of course, I would need to then save $200-300 to get Shane out here, then the next step would be getting Xander out here. My goal is to have him out here by my birthday (August). I also get financial aid in August, which should help with paying the car off. I'm taking it one step at a time... I'll start putting money aside with this second job, get the car paid off in a few months, and then see what I can do about getting an apartment. I'm just glad things are moving forward finally, instead of just hoping.

The most frustrating thing about the first time you get paid, is that all of the money is usually spoken for. So all of what I made the past 2 weeks went to rent and gas. Most of the next "pay check" will be gone too, but then I should be suspending my phone and switching under my mom's plan again for 6 months. That way I can save some money. I'm really trying to get this car paid off ($1,000) and it's the only way I'll be able to do that. It would free up $125 a month, which would mean paying it off in 8 months. Of course, I want to do that much sooner - but for now it's progress.

Amber is coming to visit the second week of May for a bit, and looking for a job again - supposedly. She didn't do a whole lot of looking last time though. She had her laptop with her, yet didn't apply anywhere even though a few of the days she was here alone while I worked. Then my mom is visiting with Xander, who I miss so much, the beginning of June. I absolutely cannot wait. I know I'm going to cry when he leaves and wish he was here, but I'm hoping to have enough money to bring him out here by the end of the summer.

Shane and I have talked about getting an apartment together. Him getting a job that even pulls $400 a month would enable me to get a 2 bedroom apartment. As soon as I had the money for a ticket saved, I would have my mom fly out with him and send her the money to ship whatever couldn't fit in luggage of his - but there's not a whole lot besides toys. I might just get one of those POD things to ship all of his stuff here, bed included - because for now I could share my bed with him and get him a few toys. But I'm dreaming, thinking further ahead than necessary right now.

As far as school, I only need to take a placement test for math and do some residency forms and whatnot - then I can be admitted to the school. I start in the fall. That would be why I would need someone like Shane living with me. Someone I trust to take care of my baby while I'm in class. It's going to be a challenge, because I'll probably have class 9-12 then work 2-2 - but it'll be worth it one day. What I might even do, is let Amber move in with us at that point and just have HER watch the kids 2 days a week when I have class, and split the income with her (we would each get half). I don't know... I'm sure I can pull off being exhausted 2 days a week with some serious energy drinks or something.

I'm just glad to have some direction finally.

My boss gave me some really nice things for Easter :) It's all I'll be getting so I really appreciate it. Plus, she gave me a few small perfumes and I found one that is my new favorite! I got offered another job, but the hours would be really awful. I'm not sure if I'm going to take it or keep looking...

The semester is almost over thankfully. All I have left is my last test for FAS, final paper for ENG, and a few more weeks of DCE & CDE. By the middle of May I will be COMPLETELY DONE! Can't wait :)

Easter is tomorrow, and I'm actually looking forward to Church tomorrow morning. My mom's birthday is only 4 days later, so I sent my mom a card and a necklace today. Hopefully she gets it in time.