Well, it's done. He's been kicked out, his stuff is gone. It's going to be a really hard pregnancy, I'm going to have to go through this alone again by myself. I'm tired of being hurt and it keeps happening and I'm not going to let it happen anymore.

My nausea has gotten a lot worse. The past two days I have thrown up. I feel okay right now, but was pretty sick most of the morning. I need to find a way to make more money. I might also apply for HUD housing (income based). I just need things to start turning around. Nate isn't going to help with this child.. he hasn't helped with any bills since he's been here and he doesn't care of the child he has NOW. I'll do what I have to do.

I finally got some medication for nausea. It helped enough to make it tolerable. It seems to be working so far. I'll be 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow. It's exciting, and I'm just glad I'm almost into the 2nd trimester (4 more weeks). I had one ultrasound, but couldn't see anything but the yolk sac. That was 2 weeks ago. I have a second ultrasound next week. I'll be 9 weeks, and am excited to see the baby.

My first prenatal appointment got changed. They also sent me for my first ultrasound and I was a bit disappointed - really couldn't see anything, just the yolk sac. I have another appointment March 15th, so hopefully things will be further along then. Baby daddy gets his money soon, so we'll be getting a bigger apartment, better car, maternity clothes, etc. Life will start getting a little easier. I feel way too nauseous in the mornings now, so I'll have to keep this short. More later.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. A lot has changed. There was a lot of drama that went down with my landlord, his girlfriend, and her niece. I ended up getting 30 days notice to leave, having the car I was making payments on taken away, etc. I had been approved for a nice apartment too... if I had been able to keep that car I could have not only stayed, but finally moved Xander in with me. But everything happens for a reason.

I met someone amazing, and was very much in love. Sadly, I took advantage of his love for me and it fell apart. He left and came back and left and came back. It came time where I just had to admit to myself I would never get back what we had. In that time, I did meet someone else. There were multiple explosive fights, but things finally settled down. He proposed to me, I said yes, and 3 weeks later found out I was pregnant.

Those are all exciting things, but we still have our problems. We used to fight a lot. It's not as bad or often now, but when he gets mad he leaves. It's really hard for me to deal with. It hurts me everytime he walks out, even though he comes back - it still hurts. I got him an iPhone recently, thinking I was doing something nice but I have started to regret my decision. He's on it constantly when we are together, since he can't be at work, and when I bring it up he denies it. He constantly tells me he's nothing like John, but the more time that passes he does many of the same hurtful things. Since I found a message he sent to a girl over a month ago now, I'll admit I have been suspicious at times. The amount of time he spends on that phone does concern me. But of course I will keep that to myself. I know a lot of my frustrations as of late are partly pregnancy hormones, but I hope he starts to realize what he is doing and how it is affecting me.

On a lighter note, I have my first prenatal appointment March 1st, just a few weeks away. I'll be 7 weeks at that time, and very much looking forward to it.

So... last post I ranted a bit about Amber and her antics. I realized something though. I'm very mature for 23 (almost 23 anyway). I'm closer to 29/30. Amber is very much 22. And sometimes I don't take that into account when I deal with her. So... we're talking. Slowly, not rushing back into OMG my BFF!! but it's a process.

I talked to Joey today a bit. Webcam for a little bit too :) It was amazing to see how much he smiles when we talk. It's going to be hard not to blush and smile all the time when I see him, which will hopefully be in about 12 hours. He said he wants to hold me all day :) I melt when he says things like that. I can see it going somewhere, and it seems like we have a pretty good basis for a relationship right now. I can't wait to see him!

I have church in 8 hours. I'm really looking forward to it. I feel really good when I'm there, and knowing that afterword I'll get to spend time with Joe... it's just going to be a great day :)

Life has been so hectic, that I haven't been able to keep up. So much has changed. I DID get the pass from Chris. He ended up giving us another one because Amber lied to me. She said she could get one - which was true. I was PAYING for it ($100). But guess what? She GAVE it to her boy toy to go see her. She had seen him a month ago. I hadn't seen my child in nearly 6 months!!! When she flakes on me it's one thing, but you do NOT come between me seeing my child! Needless to say, I finally cut all ties with her. I blocked her on Facebook, and proceeded to call Sprint and have her number blocked as well. I asked Chris to tell her she was being blocked, because I didn't want any more communication with her at ALL. He did, and she couldn't even figure out WHY I was furious with her. Which proves even more that she cares only for herself - not even for her child! She is willing to GIVE her daughter, her 6 month old daughter, to her aunt and uncle so she can move in with her boy toy in South Carolina! Even though she'll be 2 hours away, I don't care - it's too close for me! This isn't one of our 3 month fights... I'm done speaking to her for good.

I went to the Lexington Mental Health Center and since they only accept severe cases all they could do is tell me I should be on medication for my anxiety, that I possibly have mild bipolar that I'm handling fine, and suggest I find a psychiatrist to attempt to get a prescription... because I totally have the money for something like that... not. I'll keep it in mind, handle it to the best of my ability, and when Xander is finally out here with me and I can get insurance I will take care of it then. I've been struggling with anxiety all of my life. What's a few more years?

On a happier note, I had an amazing time with Xander. I miss him so much... but it's also much easier to get done what I need to on my own. School is almost set, I just have to straighten out one thing with financial aid and go to late registration advisement August 17th. I start a better job, still babysitting but fewer hours and better pay, Monday. The hours are 7:30am-4:30pm, which will make it easier to actually have some sort of life! I'll be in school about 6-9 4 days during the week, but it's definitely a better option than what I had going on before. There is one more thing.

To say "I met someone" wouldn't be entirely true. I've known Joe since about March? I don't remember exactly when, but it was about 2 weeks after Johnny left me. We went on one date. Left a really good impression on each other. We tried to make plans quite a few times since then, and it always fell through. Now we're talking again and I have a really good feeling. From what he's told me, I'm the only one he's "talking to" (aka courting), and he's the only one I'm talking to. I haven't had this giddy, happy feeling in a long time. I'm quite grateful that for once I'm interested in someone who is good for me! He's 6 years older than me, which I like - most guys my age are extremely immature. He's a dad, which means in many ways we understand so much about each other. I don't want to say too much, but I just have a good feeling about this one. We'll hopefully be doing something Saturday, and the week could not be going slower at this point. The past 4 months? of waiting, I have to say, seems to be worth the wait.