My workouts seem to be going well.  I didn't lose as much this week, but I still lost and as long as I don't gain anything back I'm happy!  I don't want to try on my dress again until I'm in the 140's, so I'm definitely looking forward to that.  Hopefully the dress will fit without alterations at that point.

I brought my grade up in FAS331 from 80% to 85% with just one quiz, so hopefully I can continue to bring it up.  So right now, I have 3 B's and 1 A.  I need to focus on bringing up those grades.  If I can bring them up even 1% each week, I can get them where they need to be.  Just need to work my butt off for 3 more months!  I'm 1/4 of the way through right now.  This way, if medical withdrawal is not approved I can still be accepted - but if it is, I would have around a 3.0 which will definitely be good for me!

I haven't spoken to Johnny, but he's been working and I send a text or call every few days.  That way he knows he's on my mind, but I'm not "overdoing it".  He's supposed to have next weekend off - hopefully he doesn't get called in and I'm able to see him.  It's been almost 2 weeks :(

I know I was the one who wanted to wait, but some days it's so frustrating.  He wanted to start TTC right away, then when I got here I changed my mind and caved.  That's when he decided I was right and we should wait.  Grr... men!  I know it's only a few more months, but I so wish the time would come sooner!

As frustrating as it is living so far apart right now (even though it is considerably closer than before I moved), I know when we're married and I see him before work and each night it will be worth all of the frustration.  It's not necessarily with him that I'm frustrated, but just the situation of having to be apart in general.  I'm just ready to start our lives together and shortly after our family.

I'm focusing mostly on English today, possibly CDE430 if I have more time.  I've been trying to put a lot of focus into FAS331 - since I can complete the assignments early and be done with the class as soon as I do that.  The biggest challenge is the Safe Assignment.  It's a paper that's going to require a LOT of work and it's worth a lot of points in the class.  I can't afford not to do very well on it.

I try to focus on school as much as possible, for a few reasons.  If I don't get my grades up this semester I will lose financial aid and not be able to transfer schools here.  There are no more online classes I can take - it all has to be in person now.  Also, it helps me not worry as much - and I know Johnny thinks pretty highly of me as far as school is concerned.  He told me he's sure I'll get into USC because I'm very intelligent, that he wasn't worried at all.  While it is a bit of pressure, it also gives me a higher standard for myself.

It has been a few days since I've been able to talk to Johnny, but it's a relief not to be panicking.  He's working this weekend, which means he has next weekend off.  Hopefully I'll be able to see him - that will be about 3 weeks since the last time I saw him.  I miss him like crazy, but at least I only have to do it for 3 more months.  Then we'll be living together and I'll see him before and after work.  It's just frustrating when you already know you love someone and want to live your life with them to have to wait.  He told me nothing has changed with us, so that made me feel a lot better.  It's just really hard missing him.

I watched the first two movies from my class, and the 3rd one should be here tomorrow (Netflix DVD).  Then I can take my video quiz, and the only thing I'll have left to do for March is the Safe Assignment - which may actually take a bit of work to do.  Then, by Monday I want to do the next two weeks of classwork for my English class.  Next week, I'll do the next two weeks of work for my Infant/Toddler Development class.  And Dance Cultures, I'll have to stick to Mondays for that.  Nothing can be done early unfortunately.  Hopefully this will take some of the stress off me.  I should know by the end of next week if they are going to approve my medical withdrawal or not.  I REALLY hope they do.  If not, I will HAVE to get an A in every class this semester in order to get accepted for transfer to USC.

My weight loss seems to be going well so far.  I am in the 150's right now, and I'll know if I've lost this week tomorrow morning when I weigh-in.  I really would love to lose enough to not have to get my wedding dress altered, plus that's another $100 we won't have to spend.  Once I get into the 140's, I will try on my dress again to see if that is a possibility.  I upped my workouts to 2x a day this week, so hopefully that will make a difference also.

Another thing I've been struggling with is my jealousy.  Not with Johnny, I trust him with all my heart and I know he would never betray me like that.  I have a lot of jealousy with friends.  I think I'm close with someone, then thanks to the internet I see that they talk more to someone else, tell them things that I end up finding out last or not at all, and it hurts.  It's not that they've done anything wrong, but that I've had unrealistic expectations.  I make myself frustrated then feel like I'm just not that kind of person people want as their best friend.  Which is fine.  I still have Vikki and Patti, but I can't always tell them EVERYTHING and they have their own lives far from me.  I don't think I've ever been jealous with Patti, but with Vikki I know I have.  She has a lot of friends aside from me and there are quite a few above me - and it's frustrating to never know where you stand.  People will call me their "best friend" but their actions say the opposite, and I feel like I put too much of my need for friendship on Johnny.  He has a job, things to take care of, and his own friends.  I can't have 100% of his time.  He's never complained, but I feel like if I don't find one it'll start to affect our relationship - me needing him all the time.

Dear Friend,
I know you care and are there for me, but I get jealous when I realize how much closer you are with your other friends.  You're generally the first person I want to tell things to, good or bad, when they happen.  I know I'm not the same for you and that's okay... it just took me some time to realize that it's not exactly what I thought it was.  I'm sorry I get jealous, and I hope you don't realize it when I am.

On a more important note, my son has pneumonia.  I really hope he's better soon, and has been improving each day.  It's just hard to be away from him when he's not feeling good.  I'm very thankful that he was seen by a doctor right away, and it was caught at the beginning.

I should really exercise a little bit.  "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy."  So hopefully it will pick up my mood a little bit!

I never did get to watch Jersey Shore last night, I was actually able to fall asleep.  I was surprised!  I got basically all of my homework done for the week.  I want to go over some lectures for FAS331 tomorrow, and if I feel okay with the material I might take Exam 1 early.  It's due March 10th, so that would mean the only other assignment for that class until the beginning of April would be the Safe Assignment, which is probably going to require a LOT of work.  It involves me pulling information from 10 different current articles.  Once I get that out of the way, the rest of the semester should be a little easier to handle.  After the exam, if anything I will get next week's ENG294 and possible DCE201 done.  Then I'll only have one class to work on, which I could probably do Friday.  I don't think I would necessarily relax next week, but if I can be a few weeks ahead with everything through Spring Break - in reality, it would give me a 2-3 week break instead of 1.  That would be nice!

For some reason I am really thirsty tonight!  I went through an entire glass of Tampico within 10 minutes, I just don't want to walk all the way to the other side of the house or I would totally get more.  I'll just have to last until morning I guess.  I was able to workout twice today, and want to keep on that for the rest of this week.  Next week I need to do some kind of increase, whether I start doing P90X along with what I'm doing or something else - but I want to continue losing the way I have been.  I could possibly be in the 140's by the middle of March.  I don't want to set a goal for that, I just wanted to hit 145 by the end of April, but I just really think there's a possibility it could happen.

Something I've noticed, TV loves to torture me.  I swear... everywhere I look there are pregnancy test ads and on the internet too.  Then, of course, topic of my CDE430 class this week - prenatal development and labor/delivery.  It's making me have baby fever like crazy, not to mention I ended up going through Xander's baby videos.  I hope we can have one soon...  It's just my luck that as soon as I cave, Johnny decides that I was right and we should wait.  Grr...  Oh well, I guess I can last two more months :)

I'm feeling a lot better tonight.  I would even dare to say I'm in a good mood!!  I had a relatively normal day, then started to get upset a few hours ago.  I asked Johnny to call me, he did and we talked.  I got to talk about a lot that's been on my mind, and it made me realize that he still loves me as much as ever and I have nothing to worry about.  It's part of why I love him so much, he always manages to make me feel better no matter what it is that I'm worried about.

Aside from all that, I finally got my period - which I was expecting anyway - but it was still an interesting few days of waiting!  It made me realize just how much I want to have a baby with him.  It's only a few months away, but I'm really looking forward to it.  I just heard a quote today that made me think of him...

"I didn't know how much I loved your father until I saw how much he loved you."

I think that's just perfect, and exactly the way it should be.

But aside from all of this loveliness, I have had this stuck in my head for an hour now so I must go watch Jersey Shore lol... "It's t-shirt tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!"

I had a full-on panic attack last night.  It wasn't necessarily because of Johnny though.  It was a combination of PMS, my own screwed up head, and just being stressed out.  I looked back through some old text messages and it made me realize how different things are now.  He really loves me, in that way where it's not going to just go away.  It's that forever kind of love, so I need to stop worrying so much.  I called a few too many times yesterday, and while I'm sure he won't hold it against me I don't want to be the nagging girlfriend.  I've made a point to only text once a day now, and call just once or twice.  I don't want to overdo it and I can't possibly explain how much he means to me and how badly I want this to work.  He's told me the same - that he really wants this to work.  All I can do is trust that everything will be fine and that I'll see him soon.

On another note... OOPS.  I'm 2 days late.  I'm on birth control, but that's still not a guarantee.  I don't really think I'm pregnant, the chances are so small, but it's not normal for me to be late at all.  We'll see what happens in the next few days.  Hope I hear from him soon.

I MAY get to see Johnny tomorrow.  It's kind of up in the air...  He was going to call me back, but I'm not sure if he will, he's doing some stuff for work.  I just hope I can get some time with him tomorrow - and I swear, I'm going to be so pissed if I get my period before tomorrow night!  But if he doesn't come, I guess it doesn't really matter.  I don't want to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to when I think about seeing him again.

There are a few good things that happened today though.  I submitted my applications for Columbia College (in SC, not the Columbia) and USC Sumter.  I hope I can get into USC, but that will depend on if my medical withdrawal from last semester gets approved or not.  My GPA is not in the best shape right now.  I still have to come up with $40 for the application fee for USC.

Not too much going on tonight, just hoping I can see him tomorrow.  Only time will tell!

I'm not exactly sure how I'm feeling right now, kinda numb I guess.  I don't really feel sad, but not happy either.  I talked to Johnny a little on Tuesday night - and he said he'd text me in the morning, which he didn't.  He's been getting up early for work so I expected that.  I feel frustrated though.  I'm not really mad at him, but it makes me wonder how much he really misses me when we're not together.  I know he has work, friends, stuff he needs to do - but he used to call me everyday.  I know - I'm here now, but does he just not want to call?  Or text even...  Whenever he leaves he says I can text him, when I can't see him for a week he says I can text him, but he rarely replies.  I'm not really mad, it just confuses me - doesn't he WANT to talk to me?  If it had always been this way I wouldn't worry, but it's definitely different.  Going from everyday to only calling when he's coming over - I just am not sure what to think, and to be honest it scares me a little.  Every time I see him, I think things are amazing and he seems really happy with me.  So why does it not seem like that's the case when we're not together?  I don't want him to feel like he HAS to call, but what I don't understand is shouldn't he want to?  Maybe I just don't understand his feelings for me the way I thought I did.  It scares the crap out of me to not know what he's thinking or if he's even missing me when he's gone.  I mean, he did say he wanted to marry me.  I just hope that doesn't change before it has the chance to happen.

Well, I suppose I was wrong.  I AM sad now.  I feel really alone and I hate feeling that way.  I asked him to call me tonight, but I really don't think it's going to happen.  Why can't it just be Saturday already, why can't he just be here...  I want to ask him to spend the night with me, but I don't think he will.  That is, if he comes.  We'll see.

It has been a really long day/night.  I have spent most of it doing homework and studying, with the exception of breakfast/lunch/dinner and my 30 minute workout.  My hand aches from writing, and I have given myself a migraine, but so is the life of a college student during testing times.  I have 2 tests tomorrow, and I believe another coming up soon.  I know it must be mostly due to PMS, and I keep reminding myself of that, but there are a few things bugging me.  For one, the fact that Johnny will be gone for something like 2 weeks between now and the summer.  The first, a week-ish in April for a concert.  Again in June, just weeks after we're married, for another concert.  If he doesn't call or text me while he's gone, it's going to cause some serious problems.  I want him to have fun and spend time with his friends, but I need to be a priority.  He wants to marry me, so I should come first at some point, right?  I know I'm likely worrying for nothing, but the days we don't talk SUCK - today being one of them - and makes me wonder if I've crossed his mind at ALL during the day.  I'm sure I have... but it would be nice to see that!  I have a few things to talk to him about on Saturday, some more pleasant than others.

AF that is.  I'm about 3 days away, and an emotional wreck.  I'm crying, why? - I couldn't tell you.  I miss Johnny.  We haven't been able to talk since he was here yesterday.  So why am I freaking out?  God.  I hate this.  I really hope I can talk to him tonight, that would definitely help.  But if not, this week is going to be miserable!!  And I'm most likely going to get my monthly visit the night before I see him.  That's so frustrating to me, because I'm a very physically affectionate person and the fact that I have to limit myself with him - especially since I only see him once a week - bothers me.  Maybe I'll get really lucky and not get it until after he leaves...  It frustrates me even more to be so upset and not be able to know the exact reason why.  I just feel like crying over everything lately, and I am not looking forward to TTC if this is what I'll feel like when I'm pregnant.  Granted, I will be with him every night when I'm pregnant but I don't like feeling so vulnerable.  I feel so alone right now, and it sucks!

I know he loves me.  I know he wants to be with me, and I can see it every time he looks at me.  Every time he touches my hand, kisses me, says, "I love you".  I just feel sad, and worried, and scared.  I hate this part of being a woman.  At least if I was with him right now, he could tell me to calm down.  He would tell me to chill out, that everything will be fine and hold me, kiss me.  I so need that reassurance from him tonight.  I don't have any doubts with him or about him or us - I just feel like crap and I want it to go away.  I can't focus on anything - homework, or even just talking to people.  I hate going to sleep crying or upset, because I ALWAYS wake up and there is no message or call from him, and I feel even worse.  It just ruins my whole day.  Again - this week is going to SUCK.

It was a long night.  It's always really hard for me to fall asleep after Johnny leaves.  I'm usually okay by lunchtime the next day, it's just hard - wanting to wake up next to him, and knowing I have 3 1/2 more months before that can happen.  I think it's going to be a bigger adjustment for him, to being married, than for me.  I've done it (sort of) before.  I was the good little housewife, cooking and cleaning and taking care of the baby.  He's only had to be accountable to himself.  I have no doubt that he can do it, I just wonder what it will be like.  I know he has to go out of town a few weeks after we get married, and I'm already not looking forward to that.  It will probably be one of the longest weeks (okay, 4 days) of my life.

Lunchtime again... hopefully I will be able to get all of homework done today, without staying up late again.  I'm really looking forward to Saturday, and seeing him again.  I just have the best feeling about us, and no matter what challenges keep coming p - I know it's right, and it's real, and it is really going to last this time.

It was a good day, but short.  It's always a good day when I see Johnny.  I can't help but smile when I'm with him.  He makes me feel so loved!  I think all this wedding stuff is stressing me out too much.  Johnny can definitely tell it stresses me out.  Yes, it makes me happy, but the planning stresses me to no end.  A friend of mine was getting stressed out and just got married by a judge.  While I don't want that, I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to say screw everyone else!  I am planning on a big change.  We'll get married... but it will just be Johnny and I.  A nice little ceremony, dinner after just the two of us, and have a big reception in a year.  Then we can invite everyone and really celebrate - but I need to keep this about US.  Just to give you an idea, before our wedding payments were: $400, $780, $825, $300.  Now, they would be $405, $210, $300, $50 - then just $150 after the wedding to have our photos printed and get ready to move Xander in with us after the summer.  I don't know why I've been trying so hard to make everyone else happy.  I'm going to see also if we can move the date up from May 29 to April 18.  It's going to go by very quickly either way... but that would take a huge weight off my shoulders.  I'll feel better after I talk to him about this on Saturday (the next time I see him) and he tells me he's okay with that, that it's just about us, all those good things that he always says to calm me down and bring me back to reality.  He keeps me grounded, he really does.

I'm not happy my team lost last night.  Especially to a team that sucks as bad as Green Bay - but that's okay.  We'll be back next year - and they won't.  We've still won more superbowls than them anyway, lol.

Okay, but enough about that.  I've still been able to stick to what I want.  This is day #3 exercising, and I hope I can keep up with it.  I want to lose 20 pounds by the wedding, which is an average of 1.6 lbs per week.  That's a pretty healthy goal.  I just have to keep up with the exercise.  After two weeks, if I'm below my goal even by half a pound I'll change to two workouts a day instead of one.  I think I can do it.  Plus, what I'm doing focuses on my abs - the part that is the biggest problem for me.  My scale will be here anytime between Thursday and next Tuesday.  If I'm 164 or lower this next Saturday (my chosen weigh-in date), or 162 or lower in 2 weeks I will be ecstatic.  That would mean everything was going according to plan.  I just have to keep up with it.  No excuses this time around, I have the house to myself during the day.  This is also why I picked 10am!  If I workout at 10am, I still have time to shower and get ready the days Johnny comes over.

I have to talk to him about wedding stuff today.  It's probably going to be a pain, but it needs to be done.  We have to...

*choose the wedding bands
*choose flavors and set up cake tasting
*set up time to look at ceremony venue, sign contract, and pay deposit

We have to do all of these things today, so that we can...

*order cake
*order wedding bands
*book location

Which we have to do this month!  I may also show him some rings I like, lol.  HINT HINT HINT!  I love that I'm marrying him in a few months, but I want to be able to show it as proud as I am!  I want him to pick the ring, I really do - as long as it's not yellow gold I'm happy!  I did break down a little yesterday morning, because I feel like I'm doing all of this myself and he's just along for the ride!

There is one challenge that I'm not quite sure how to handle just yet.  My Dad.  It is really important to me that he is there, and if he refuses to come I don't know if I can deal with that.  I've already warned Johnny that if my dad were to not show up, I would be an absolute wreck.  I just hope that his denial won't keep him from his daughter's wedding, because honestly - I don't see my sister wanting him there when she gets married.  She hasn't even talked to him in years, except email to ask for money when she needed a car.

3 1/2 months away.  I feel like a very lucky woman.  And in a few hours, I'll see my love again :)

So, I may be exaggerating a little.  I talked to Johnny, and he's coming over tomorrow instead of tonight being that he's really tired.  We didn't have set plans for tonight, it was most likely Monday but he would try for tonight too.  He apologized, and I don't think he needed to!  He said he was sorry about tonight, but was just really tired.  That's okay by me!  That is so sweet...  It's not exactly chocolate and flowers kinda sweet, but it still melted my heart a little.  I've never been with a truly kind and considerate person, so it's still new to me.  It was good to hear from him though.

I hope he's okay with the wedding location I chose.  I know he's not a fan of Easley, and the location isn't really far from there.  We will see.  Once I find out if he's okay with that, I have to make arrangements for a few things next weekend.  Since we're going to Greenville to meet up with Jenn, I'll have to set up a cake tasting so we can order our wedding cake and also I want to go see the ceremony venue in person.  On top of that, this month we also need to choose and order our wedding bands.  He still needs to buy my ring too, but that's completely on him and I'm not going to even worry about it.

I still can't believe that in just over a month I'll be telling my dad to take a few days off, although not giving a reason why yet, and in 2 months I'll be sending out invitations.  In 3 1/2 months, I'll be a Mrs. and can finally call him my husband.  I can't believe it.  It's still all so very surreal!  I'm a very happy woman, and what's even better is it shows that I really do make him happy.  It's the best feeling in the world (aside from being a mother of course!).  After these next two cycles, I'll also be going off of my birth control.  We don't officially start TTC until after the wedding, so hopefully my body will be back to normal by then.

Amongst all this happiness though, I've become quite frustrated.  I was very good friends with this girl for a long time, but we had a BAD falling out.  Regardless of the problems, she was going through a lot so I was there for her.  I'm frustrated because I'm watching her go through what I went through over 2 years ago.  Her daughter is a week old, and her boyfriend just left her out of nowhere.  Men can be so frustrating sometimes.  I can't thank God enough that I was so blessed for Johnny to come into my life.  I only hope she can have the same happiness someday, and get through everything in one piece.

I'm a little stressed out right now.  Johnny was supposed to come over either tonight, or tomorrow - but I haven't heard from him since Thursday night.  On top of that, there's a lot of stuff about the wedding that I need to talk to him about either tonight or tomorrow - about what needs to get done this month.  I am so overwhelmed.  On top of still needing to come up with $300 by May, I still have to keep up with my schoolwork and keep this wedding together.  I have half a mind to just go to a judge right now, but I know it will be worth it in the end.  I just wish it was a little less stressful!  Or that we could talk more, so I wouldn't feel like I'm doing this completely by myself.  I really hope I do see him tonight, because I don't know how much more I can handle without talking to him.  Even just a text would make me feel better right now.  And yeah, it may be a little paranoid, but the wedding is in 3 1/2 months.  He could always change his mind in that time, and that is at the back of my mind too.  I really need to get out of this house, for my own sanity, and I need to talk to and see him soon.

I worked out tonight.  30 minutes of cardio.  I'm proud of myself for getting the motivation to do it, even if it was 11pm!  I ordered a scale, which I'll have to start tracking weightloss in a week or so.  I feel like such a recluse, but I don't get out often because of the cold and the lack of a car right now - so a lot of my stuff I've ended up getting online.  Tomorrow is supposed to be warmer, so I'm hoping I won't be so cold that I just stay in bed like I did today - and granted, technically it is tomorrow but that's beside the point.  I have a few things to turn in tomorrow, and I've been staying on track with school.  So far, my grades are A, A, B+, and no grades so far for the last class.  I won't have a grade until the beginning of next month, so for now I'm just keeping up on the reading.

One thing that does frustrate me is that most days Johnny works I don't hear from him.  I know he's busy, and needs to unwind at the end of the day - plus, weekend shifts are longer.  And yes, I'll see him Monday... but I still  miss him, even if it is less than a week we're apart!  I feel so close to him already, and I mean physically of course because we were already emotionally close.  I feel that "something missing" that I can't hold his hand or kiss him or be in his arms when we're apart.  This changes in May when we get married, I do know that, but it's still hard!  I can't wait to see him again.

My mission for tomorrow/today: turn in essay and discussion board posts, read ch 1 and 2 in "families", and workout.  Maybe this will be a motivator and keep me somewhat accountable for myself!  I can't believe I'm already 20% through the semester and doing so well!

I did get some homework done today.  I really want to get as much done as possible tonight, so I can get on some kind of exercise schedule over the weekend.  I would love to lose 10-15 pounds before the wedding, and would be ecstatic with 20!  Who knows, maybe I won't need as much alterations as I originally planned.  I only have two more days I have to wait until I can see Johnny again.  I am also very excited because... I got a new siggy for my message board and I am so in love with it!



It's perfect, and yay :)  Not a whole lot happened today, but maybe this weekend will be more eventful!

Today was not as productive as it could have been.  I got a little bit of homework done, and figured out some wedding budget stuff.  Our payments aren't horrible, but it will be a challenge.  We'll have to pay $400 in February, $800 in March, $800 in April, and $400 in May.  That could go up or down a little, but that's about what we're looking at.  Won't be easy.  I'm going to have to talk to Johnny about it on Monday, since I'm not the one paying!  I hope it's doable...  I'm going to have a lot of work to get done over the weekend, but Johnny works this weekend so I will have all that time to myself.  I'm still adjusting to the time change a little bit, but getting used to it slowly.

So I got an email today that there is apparently a "dismissed charge" coming up on my background check.  It was dismissed by the state, so WHY IS IT COMING UP?  Do they not know what "expunged" means?  I mean really...  I need to get this straightened out.  I'm going to make a few phone calls tomorrow, if I get to it.  I have a lot of other more important things to take care of right now.  Like homework, for instance.

I did get to talk to Johnny on the phone a little bit tonight.  We don't get to talk as much on days he works, but it definitely feels good to talk to him before I wind down for the night and go to bed.  I'm going to try to catch up on Days of our Lives and Cougar Town before I go to sleep.  Most likely, I'll pass out before I can finish half of what is planned!

I always thought it was such a cheesy phrase, but I get it now!  Today was absolutely amazing.  Johnny called, said he had a few things to do and he would be here soon but that the drive takes 55 minutes.  I said I know.  About 15 minutes later he calls back and says open the back door - he completely surprised me!  It was the most perfect day.  We spent some time together talking and he took me to lunch at Red Robin - I had never been there, I was surprised how good the food was!  Then we went to Bi-Lo (grocery store) and I got some shampoo, conditioner, deoderant, and toothpaste - one of my boxes has yet to arrive - and he paid for everything!  He is such a sweet man, and really treats me great.

I did officially change my status to "engaged".  It felt so good - especially to hear all the support I have!  After we got back, we hung out in my room - he showed me some video clips he likes, and we talked some more, and he just held me.  We were joking around and he said I was stuck with him and I said "promise?"... and he did :)  We talked about some of the wedding stuff, and I love how happy he is about all of it.

 We're going in a few weeks to Greenville to meet up with Jenn and get the scarf :)  I'm excited.  I get to spend the day with my future husband, meet one of my favorite friends, and get an awesome scarf - and of course get to explore a little more of this new state that I call my home :)

Johnny will be here soon.  He called me this morning.  I feel so much better!  I can't wait to see him again, and kiss him.  I can't believe how comfortable he makes me feel.  I just feel so blessed, and so proud that I'll be able to call him my husband in 4 months.  Sorry to keep this so short, but I'll update more later!

Last night was the best and worst night of my life.  I have never felt more loved or rejected.  He got here and I was still in disbelief.  I couldn't believe it was really happening.  I felt something right away.  From the moment he walked in the door, I couldn't stop looking at him - his strong arms, his beautiful brown eyes.  He gave me Zicam, which if you don't know you have to dissolve on your tongue.  The entire time I had to wait was torture, when all I wanted to do was kiss him.  I was cold, so we went back into the bedroom and sat on the bed.  While the Zicam was still dissolving, he gave me a shoulder massage.  His hands felt so good on my skin, it took every ounce of strength not to turn around and kiss him.  When it finally dissolved, he pulled me down to lay with him and he kissed me.  It seems like we kissed all night.  Some were sweet, some were sexy, some were just downright intoxicating.  Everytime we talked, we lay back down together.  He would kiss my nose, even give me eskimo kisses - it was PERFECT.  That is not for lack of a better word.  Nothing could have made it better.  We would talk again, and then back to sweet sweet kisses.  He looked in my eyes and said "you're so beautiful" like he couldn't even believe it.  I have never felt more loved than at that moment.  I can't talk about what upset me last night, I'm so exhausted from it and it hurts too much to think about.  I only want to remember the good.  I hope I didn't screw anything up last night, because I'm going to marry this man.  As terrified as I am, I have so much faith in our love and what we have.  He told me last night, before things went downhill, that he wasn't going anywhere - that I was stuck with him.  God, I hope that's true.  I don't want to ever lose him.  I've never loved any man this way.  I just keep praying that I will still see him today.

I feel significantly worse today.  I felt like I was going to "get sick" starting last night, and still continuing this morning.  Johnny said he would bring me some medicine later, but I have no idea what time and would prefer sooner rather than later!  It's very frustrating that the first time he sees me, I'll be sick and probably not the most appealing thing to look at.  I hope he's not put off by it at all.  All I can do is try to eat, get some rest, and try to get better.  My mom thinks it is somehow related to what she had, which lasted at its worst for 3 days.  If that's the case, I am definitely okay with that.  That would mean tomorrow would be the worst of it, before I start getting better.  I did get the homework done yesterday that I needed to, but what I need to do today requires a bit more effort and may take longer.  I can't afford to get behind while I'm sick!  I need to answer two discussion questions about Petrarch's sonnets, reply to two classmates' responses, and write a short essay about the meaning of one of the sonnets we were assigned to read.  If I can feel decent for even an hour, I can probably get it done.  This is not the way I wanted to start things out here.