So... last post I ranted a bit about Amber and her antics. I realized something though. I'm very mature for 23 (almost 23 anyway). I'm closer to 29/30. Amber is very much 22. And sometimes I don't take that into account when I deal with her. So... we're talking. Slowly, not rushing back into OMG my BFF!! but it's a process.

I talked to Joey today a bit. Webcam for a little bit too :) It was amazing to see how much he smiles when we talk. It's going to be hard not to blush and smile all the time when I see him, which will hopefully be in about 12 hours. He said he wants to hold me all day :) I melt when he says things like that. I can see it going somewhere, and it seems like we have a pretty good basis for a relationship right now. I can't wait to see him!

I have church in 8 hours. I'm really looking forward to it. I feel really good when I'm there, and knowing that afterword I'll get to spend time with Joe... it's just going to be a great day :)

Life has been so hectic, that I haven't been able to keep up. So much has changed. I DID get the pass from Chris. He ended up giving us another one because Amber lied to me. She said she could get one - which was true. I was PAYING for it ($100). But guess what? She GAVE it to her boy toy to go see her. She had seen him a month ago. I hadn't seen my child in nearly 6 months!!! When she flakes on me it's one thing, but you do NOT come between me seeing my child! Needless to say, I finally cut all ties with her. I blocked her on Facebook, and proceeded to call Sprint and have her number blocked as well. I asked Chris to tell her she was being blocked, because I didn't want any more communication with her at ALL. He did, and she couldn't even figure out WHY I was furious with her. Which proves even more that she cares only for herself - not even for her child! She is willing to GIVE her daughter, her 6 month old daughter, to her aunt and uncle so she can move in with her boy toy in South Carolina! Even though she'll be 2 hours away, I don't care - it's too close for me! This isn't one of our 3 month fights... I'm done speaking to her for good.

I went to the Lexington Mental Health Center and since they only accept severe cases all they could do is tell me I should be on medication for my anxiety, that I possibly have mild bipolar that I'm handling fine, and suggest I find a psychiatrist to attempt to get a prescription... because I totally have the money for something like that... not. I'll keep it in mind, handle it to the best of my ability, and when Xander is finally out here with me and I can get insurance I will take care of it then. I've been struggling with anxiety all of my life. What's a few more years?

On a happier note, I had an amazing time with Xander. I miss him so much... but it's also much easier to get done what I need to on my own. School is almost set, I just have to straighten out one thing with financial aid and go to late registration advisement August 17th. I start a better job, still babysitting but fewer hours and better pay, Monday. The hours are 7:30am-4:30pm, which will make it easier to actually have some sort of life! I'll be in school about 6-9 4 days during the week, but it's definitely a better option than what I had going on before. There is one more thing.

To say "I met someone" wouldn't be entirely true. I've known Joe since about March? I don't remember exactly when, but it was about 2 weeks after Johnny left me. We went on one date. Left a really good impression on each other. We tried to make plans quite a few times since then, and it always fell through. Now we're talking again and I have a really good feeling. From what he's told me, I'm the only one he's "talking to" (aka courting), and he's the only one I'm talking to. I haven't had this giddy, happy feeling in a long time. I'm quite grateful that for once I'm interested in someone who is good for me! He's 6 years older than me, which I like - most guys my age are extremely immature. He's a dad, which means in many ways we understand so much about each other. I don't want to say too much, but I just have a good feeling about this one. We'll hopefully be doing something Saturday, and the week could not be going slower at this point. The past 4 months? of waiting, I have to say, seems to be worth the wait.

Yes, it's been awhile. Well, I DID get stood up. I'm not surprised. Almost 2 weeks ago, I had lunch with Johnny and had a lot of fun. I assume nothing, although we are still talking occasionally. We both work a lot so, that's understandable. I've had a lot of stress lately, and not so much due to things that have happened but I can just handle stress a lot less successfully than I used to. I go to the Lexington Mental Health Center June 14th, so hopefully I will get some answers. Bipolar is a concern, and I KNOW I have Anxiety. So hopefully I will be able to at least get a prescription for that, because lately it has made me a bitter person. I don't like it at ALL.

Chris promised me a pass/ticket, which should be here sometime next week. Yay. And Amber said she can get me one also. I just don't want to have her get only one until I have the pass from Chris in hand, just in case. Then I'll just pay her for that one when I'm in Arizona. I'll be there June 24th (Friday) - June 27th (Monday). Amber wants me to go to David's Bridal with her on Saturday, plus I'm getting a new tattoo on Saturday with my sister also. It's going to be a bit hectic... As long as I get the ticket from her, that's my main concern.

I'm incredibly excited to see my baby boy!!! I already know I'm going to cry when I see him!! Unfortunately, I'll only have one day with him when I get back here before I have to go back to work. That's okay... he can come with, and play with the other kids, but I just really miss him and want as much time alone with him as possible. I already plan on cutting my workouts back to twice a week when he's here. Then he can go to the daycare at the gym and play with other kids too. I know it's hard being in one place a lot, especially at 2 1/2, so he can get some playtime that way too.

I have to find a car seat/booster seat, potty, and get pull-ups for when he gets here. There's a lot to do... just trying to focus on one thing at a time!! It's going to be quite difficult getting up at 7am with him after working until 3am - but it's worth it. It's going to kill me when he goes back with my mom, but I'll just have to keep busting my ass to get him out here.

I'm exhausted. I've been keeping myself pretty busy. I have spinning class two days a week, weight lifting class two days a week, and tanning on the way to work Monday-Friday. Then I'm volunteering for Vacation Bible School June 20-24 9am-12pm. THEN, hopefully I'll be flying to Arizona June 24th in the afternoon and coming back Monday night. Then back to the regular routine on Tuesday. In about a month, I will have $40 saved - plus whatever extra I have the next 2 pay periods. I need $300... so I might need to ask my mom or my dad for some help. I really need to see Xander, so I hope I can pull it off. It will also depend on Amber. She is the one I'd have to get the tickets from. So I hope that all works out okay.

I work until 3am tonight, then wake up tomorrow at 7am to leave the house at 7:45 and get to class for 8:15am spinning. Then I have to leave at 1pm to go to Taco Bell, meet up with a friend for lunch, then go to work until 3am. I'm going to spinning Friday at 9:15am since I missed on Tuesday - I usually don't work out Fridays. Then Saturday I will probably sleep all day, and HOPEFULLY not get stood up again for dinner on Saturday. This is this particular friend's last chance to spend time with me, and as it is they are making up to me for standing me up last time.

I hope tonight goes okay - the kids are in a hell of a mood!

I'm feeling a little better this morning. While I still want nothing to do with Amber, I can't really burn bridges yet. She's my only connection to get tickets for my mom to bring Xander out next month. So, alas, I must put on a facade and be nice and "Friendly". But I still maintain that there is NO WAY I'm getting an apartment with her and her white trash boyfriend. I mean, the girl isn't even divorced yet and already set a wedding date with this kid for November! That's 7 months away. Her divorce may not even be final by then!! Ugh... she's an idiot.

Anyway, I'm feeling better because my mother's day gift to myself was a month of game time. So I played WoW with John and Marcus last night for a bit, then went to bed. Oh, how I missed that game. When the kids I babysit are in bed tonight, I plan on playing again. At least I have something to pass the time now that school will be done with until August!!

So much to do this morning: laundry, cleaning, the last of my homework for the semester, and getting ready for work tonight. Hopefully I can get it all done, and start keeping up with everything - get more of a routine going! I still need to call the mental health center to find out what it would cost for an appointment. I'll probably get dressed, put in a load of laundry, and have breakfast first - then call. I have $100 saved for the car, but that may need to go towards this now. Hopefully it's enough. If it'll make me feel better, more like myself, then it's worth it.

First off, I haven't heard back from that woman about the job. Maybe she found someone else, I don't know. So I've continued to look for weekend or part-time work. I want to get this car paid off and get my own place.

Last night APPARENTLY Shane got arrested for something he didn't do. I won't get into details, but someone put something stolen in his car and reported it stolen at a time when he knew Shane would be driving the car. That's all I know, and I haven't heard from him or anyone since. Then, my so-called best friend was supposed to spend this week with me. She spent the last week with her so-called boyfriend. Because he "doesn't want her to" she decided to tell me she isn't coming. She supposedly was going to spend today with me, yet it's already 1pm and at this rate if she DOES show up it'll be for about an hour. NOT worth it. So not only has she blown me off for a guy yet again, but she's decided to marry him - another man who, like Brandon, will keep her from her friends. If she thinks I'm still getting an apartment with her NOW, she is out of her damn mind!!

I did get to talk to my son - the one good thing that happened today. My dad sent me an Amazon gift card for Mother's Day. The only time I was happy today was talking to my mom, my son, and being at church this morning.

In addition to all of this, while I have never been formally diagnosed with bipolar anyone who knows me even a little bit knows I have it. I go through such extremes. I'm trying to put some money together to go see someone, see if I need medication, counseling, etc. I just don't want to feel like this, I want to be myself without the intense mood swings. I'm going to call the Lexington office tomorrow and see what I can do. I don't have health insurance here, so I'll have to see about that first and what it will cost with self-pay. I'm afraid of the cost.

On a brighter note, I hope all the mothers in my life and in the world have a wonderful day with their families.

I have an interview for a second job tomorrow. It would be enough to get an apartment possibly in a month, which would be GREAT! Of course, I would need to then save $200-300 to get Shane out here, then the next step would be getting Xander out here. My goal is to have him out here by my birthday (August). I also get financial aid in August, which should help with paying the car off. I'm taking it one step at a time... I'll start putting money aside with this second job, get the car paid off in a few months, and then see what I can do about getting an apartment. I'm just glad things are moving forward finally, instead of just hoping.

The most frustrating thing about the first time you get paid, is that all of the money is usually spoken for. So all of what I made the past 2 weeks went to rent and gas. Most of the next "pay check" will be gone too, but then I should be suspending my phone and switching under my mom's plan again for 6 months. That way I can save some money. I'm really trying to get this car paid off ($1,000) and it's the only way I'll be able to do that. It would free up $125 a month, which would mean paying it off in 8 months. Of course, I want to do that much sooner - but for now it's progress.

Amber is coming to visit the second week of May for a bit, and looking for a job again - supposedly. She didn't do a whole lot of looking last time though. She had her laptop with her, yet didn't apply anywhere even though a few of the days she was here alone while I worked. Then my mom is visiting with Xander, who I miss so much, the beginning of June. I absolutely cannot wait. I know I'm going to cry when he leaves and wish he was here, but I'm hoping to have enough money to bring him out here by the end of the summer.

Shane and I have talked about getting an apartment together. Him getting a job that even pulls $400 a month would enable me to get a 2 bedroom apartment. As soon as I had the money for a ticket saved, I would have my mom fly out with him and send her the money to ship whatever couldn't fit in luggage of his - but there's not a whole lot besides toys. I might just get one of those POD things to ship all of his stuff here, bed included - because for now I could share my bed with him and get him a few toys. But I'm dreaming, thinking further ahead than necessary right now.

As far as school, I only need to take a placement test for math and do some residency forms and whatnot - then I can be admitted to the school. I start in the fall. That would be why I would need someone like Shane living with me. Someone I trust to take care of my baby while I'm in class. It's going to be a challenge, because I'll probably have class 9-12 then work 2-2 - but it'll be worth it one day. What I might even do, is let Amber move in with us at that point and just have HER watch the kids 2 days a week when I have class, and split the income with her (we would each get half). I don't know... I'm sure I can pull off being exhausted 2 days a week with some serious energy drinks or something.

I'm just glad to have some direction finally.

My boss gave me some really nice things for Easter :) It's all I'll be getting so I really appreciate it. Plus, she gave me a few small perfumes and I found one that is my new favorite! I got offered another job, but the hours would be really awful. I'm not sure if I'm going to take it or keep looking...

The semester is almost over thankfully. All I have left is my last test for FAS, final paper for ENG, and a few more weeks of DCE & CDE. By the middle of May I will be COMPLETELY DONE! Can't wait :)

Easter is tomorrow, and I'm actually looking forward to Church tomorrow morning. My mom's birthday is only 4 days later, so I sent my mom a card and a necklace today. Hopefully she gets it in time.

I really need to keep up with this better. So, I've been babysitting 2:30pm-2:30am during the week. I don't make much, $330 every 2 weeks and I spent about $75 every 2 weeks in gas if I had to guess. But it's enough to pay my bills for now. I really need to sit down and write out a budget.

$120 (phone)
$200 (rent)
$50 (insurance)
$150 (gas)
-----
$520 a month, without food - and I make $600 a month. Yeah, cutting it pretty close. I hope I can pull off a second job soon. If I could even get $100 a week more with another job, that's $400 a month that I could REALLY use. I get $50 a month right now from my dad, but that goes to the 4 $10 payments I sent out to start working on my debt. BLAH.

I need to start bringing in some more money SOON.

I had oral surgery Friday morning.  I had one impacted wisdom tooth, but they all had to come out.  It was supposed to get better today but it's worse.  I have an appointment to go back to the oral surgeon to have it looked at tomorrow morning.  I'm also out of pain medication, so hopefully there is something they can do for me.  I'll just have to get through work and try to sleep tonight, and tomorrow I'll know more.

I did go look at an apartment today.  Would be nice to look into if I am able to get a second job or if Amber can get a job out here.  $350 a month, nice apartment, beautiful - good area.  Good to keep in mind.

I had a great visit with Amber.  I was sad to see her go.  The funny part is, she was dead-set on moving here the moment she got off the plane.  She just fell in love with this place.  I was hoping she would.  I didn't really keep up with working out or tanning while she was here.  I'm getting back into it though.  Today is technically my first day back since the 24th - with the exception of one morning that I did make it to the gym while she was here.  She's been back in Arizona for almost a week now.  It was a difficult adjustment.

I have been babysitting for a little over a week now.  It's not a lot of money, but it pays the bills for now.  I would love to pick up a graveyard shift job so I can babysit and pull in some extra hours at night.  Would be a huge help...  But for now it works.

As far as John goes (my son's father), there has been nothing but drama.  First, a little background.  He treated me pretty badly the 3 years we were together.  Was very disrespectful to me as a person.  We split for the last time January 2010.  I have never asked for anything (our son is 2 1/2 now), never filed for child support or custody.  I happen to be, quite recently, friends with his wife's ex-husband.  Playing with fire, I know.  Well, we were on the phone the other night and he puts his wife's brother on the phone, who proceeds to tell me I'm being disrespectful to John and his wife by talking to Shane.  I didn't say a word until he gave the phone back to John.  I said that I don't ever want to hear about being disrespectful to John when after everything I never filed for child support or custody or asked for a damn thing from him.  That apparently, in his mind, was motivation for him to threaten me.  He said he would tell my mom I mixed drugs with alcohol (which I didn't) to try to get her to go after custody of my son, that he would sign over his rights to make it easier for her.  I am saving all the texts with him saying he would sign off his rights.  It breaks my heart for Xander.  Out of respect for John, I gave him his last name.  So he will have his "dad's" last name but not have a father?  And if John thinks he will have any contact with Xander once he signs off his rights, even when he is 18, he has another thing coming.  I will make sure Xander knows he willingly disowned his only son.

So... Shane is actually coming out here to visit and look for a job.  He's wanting to move back to the Carolinas, so we'll see what happens.  I'm not putting "all my eggs in one basket".  I'm not attaching myself to anyone, but he's a good friend to have.  I've continued to go on dates, get to know people, and try to figure out what I want.  I'm focusing on myself.

I'm coming into the homestretch of the semester - my final semester at Arizona State University.  I'm hoping to improve my GPA from the 2.2 it's at now, but if not I will be working my butt off in the Fall at Midlands (community college here in Columbia).  I'm hoping I can transfer to USC by Spring, or Fall 2012 at the latest.  It was why I originally wanted to move out here!

In the spirit of getting back into the swing of things, I'm going to have some breakfast/lunch and get ready to head to the gym.  Need to get a little GTL going today.  Should start cleaning too, since Shane will be here Thursday night.  My only days to really clean are today and Tuesday.  I work Wednesday, and Thursday - then straight to the airport.

...about keeping up with this!  So, let's see what's new...  My friend Amber is coming to visit in 3 days!!!  She's considering moving here, so that would be pretty cool.  I said before, me single is a BIG flirt.  I've been talking to a few people and I honestly am starting to feel more like myself.  It's also raised my standards a bit, and I don't feel like I need to rush or find someone and I can be happy just being single for awhile!!

I started at the gym Friday.  I worked out Friday, Saturday, then went to Church on Sunday.  I know, me - Church.  But I really want to start going again and I enjoyed it.  I'm about to head to the gym right now, and I'm glad I'm staying on track with that.  I've also been tanning every day after working out (after my shower of course).  Hopefully I will have a tan before long!  It's definitely worth my $20 a month.

I also start a steady babysitting job on Thursday.  It will be a hectic day.  Wake up at 7, workout and tan at 9, have lunch, work 12:45-6:30, head straight to the airport, straight back (3 hours roundtrip).  It's going to be a very long day, must buy energy drinks for the drive!!!  I will be making enough to pay my bills now, which I am very happy about!  Then I still have my financial aid leftover for things like food and gas.  I would love to get a night shift job in addition, for the extra things, but I'm just glad to have enough to make it through things!!!

I asked Jen to make matching hats for Amber and her little girl.  I know she's going to love it.  I won't have time to stop by when we go to the airport to pick her up (well, me I guess not we yet) but we'll stop by before we go to the airport on the way back.  She's amazing... and I'm not surprised she has had so many requests since she started!!

Also, my landlord/roommate - his girlfriend may be moving in soon.  Which I think is great!  I like her, she's really great, so I am looking forward to that!!  Also, if Amber decides to rent out one of the other rooms, that would be great.  I love being around people.

Time to hit the gym, I'll be around more often now!!

I haven't said much about my friend Josh.  He's younger... he's 18.  I guess 4 years isn't that bad, but I'm cautious about it.  I'm starting to have feelings for him.  CRAP.

So I have been a little bit of a flirt.  Me single is VERY different from me committed.  Anyway, I had a date last night.  I didn't know it was a date, I thought it was just hanging out until he paid then I realized!  I don't by any means want to be in a relationship for a long time, but I am going to try to enjoy myself and get out and meet people and have fun.

I am excited about a few things though.  I'm going to join a gym, which is only $20 a month and includes unlimited tanning.  Also, I got a new siggy and I love it :)



I'm babysitting soon, and hopefully I can find a more steady job soon.

I have to have all of my wisdom teeth removed.  I'm hoping my dad can help me with the cost, so I can at least get the first one (the one causing problems) taken care of, then save up money for the rest.  Will figure it out soon...

Well, first off, I enjoyed my weekend with Jenn.  BUT - it ended badly.  Johnny, the love of my life, my fiance... yeah, he left me.  I wasn't even home yet.  I was 30 min away from Easley, and he TEXT me.  Had to beg him to call me.  And it devastated me.  I can't even talk about it.  I had a few people who were there for me, and there's not much else I can say right now.

One of my best friends is coming out to visit in a week and a half.  If she can, she may end up moving out here.  It would be nice.  Maybe I could bring Xander out sooner, and we could babysit for each other.  It would be good for both of us, I think.  I don't know, we'll see.

It's been awhile!  I was having a REALLY hard time that I haven't seen Johnny in awhile.  We have talked a little, and while it sucks I really shouldn't be concerned about our relationship.  So I'm going to use my time to act my age!!  I'm going out with Jenn tonight :)  It's going to be a 2-hour drive, so I made a playlist that's about an hour and a half.  Should last me pretty well.  That's another new thing... my car.  It's not exactly mine yet, but once I save up the money it will be.  For now it's a "loaner".

To get ready for tonight, I did a few things.  New outfit and shoes last night, plus I got my GTL on :)  It was my first ever spray tan and was an odd experience!  It's not a HUGE difference, but for as pale as I was it was good enough for me :)  I think I may stick to beds from now on though.  There's something relaxing about laying down in a tanning bed uninterrupted for 20-30 minutes.  I have to take a shower in a few hours to get any excess left off, but you have to wait 4 hours so I can't get in until 1:30.

I'll post some before and after pics, including my new outfit later - but for now here is the car...












**ETA: Adding the pictures!

How pale I normally am...



The outfit...





The shoes...

My workouts seem to be going well.  I didn't lose as much this week, but I still lost and as long as I don't gain anything back I'm happy!  I don't want to try on my dress again until I'm in the 140's, so I'm definitely looking forward to that.  Hopefully the dress will fit without alterations at that point.

I brought my grade up in FAS331 from 80% to 85% with just one quiz, so hopefully I can continue to bring it up.  So right now, I have 3 B's and 1 A.  I need to focus on bringing up those grades.  If I can bring them up even 1% each week, I can get them where they need to be.  Just need to work my butt off for 3 more months!  I'm 1/4 of the way through right now.  This way, if medical withdrawal is not approved I can still be accepted - but if it is, I would have around a 3.0 which will definitely be good for me!

I haven't spoken to Johnny, but he's been working and I send a text or call every few days.  That way he knows he's on my mind, but I'm not "overdoing it".  He's supposed to have next weekend off - hopefully he doesn't get called in and I'm able to see him.  It's been almost 2 weeks :(

I know I was the one who wanted to wait, but some days it's so frustrating.  He wanted to start TTC right away, then when I got here I changed my mind and caved.  That's when he decided I was right and we should wait.  Grr... men!  I know it's only a few more months, but I so wish the time would come sooner!

As frustrating as it is living so far apart right now (even though it is considerably closer than before I moved), I know when we're married and I see him before work and each night it will be worth all of the frustration.  It's not necessarily with him that I'm frustrated, but just the situation of having to be apart in general.  I'm just ready to start our lives together and shortly after our family.

I'm focusing mostly on English today, possibly CDE430 if I have more time.  I've been trying to put a lot of focus into FAS331 - since I can complete the assignments early and be done with the class as soon as I do that.  The biggest challenge is the Safe Assignment.  It's a paper that's going to require a LOT of work and it's worth a lot of points in the class.  I can't afford not to do very well on it.

I try to focus on school as much as possible, for a few reasons.  If I don't get my grades up this semester I will lose financial aid and not be able to transfer schools here.  There are no more online classes I can take - it all has to be in person now.  Also, it helps me not worry as much - and I know Johnny thinks pretty highly of me as far as school is concerned.  He told me he's sure I'll get into USC because I'm very intelligent, that he wasn't worried at all.  While it is a bit of pressure, it also gives me a higher standard for myself.

It has been a few days since I've been able to talk to Johnny, but it's a relief not to be panicking.  He's working this weekend, which means he has next weekend off.  Hopefully I'll be able to see him - that will be about 3 weeks since the last time I saw him.  I miss him like crazy, but at least I only have to do it for 3 more months.  Then we'll be living together and I'll see him before and after work.  It's just frustrating when you already know you love someone and want to live your life with them to have to wait.  He told me nothing has changed with us, so that made me feel a lot better.  It's just really hard missing him.

I watched the first two movies from my class, and the 3rd one should be here tomorrow (Netflix DVD).  Then I can take my video quiz, and the only thing I'll have left to do for March is the Safe Assignment - which may actually take a bit of work to do.  Then, by Monday I want to do the next two weeks of classwork for my English class.  Next week, I'll do the next two weeks of work for my Infant/Toddler Development class.  And Dance Cultures, I'll have to stick to Mondays for that.  Nothing can be done early unfortunately.  Hopefully this will take some of the stress off me.  I should know by the end of next week if they are going to approve my medical withdrawal or not.  I REALLY hope they do.  If not, I will HAVE to get an A in every class this semester in order to get accepted for transfer to USC.

My weight loss seems to be going well so far.  I am in the 150's right now, and I'll know if I've lost this week tomorrow morning when I weigh-in.  I really would love to lose enough to not have to get my wedding dress altered, plus that's another $100 we won't have to spend.  Once I get into the 140's, I will try on my dress again to see if that is a possibility.  I upped my workouts to 2x a day this week, so hopefully that will make a difference also.

Another thing I've been struggling with is my jealousy.  Not with Johnny, I trust him with all my heart and I know he would never betray me like that.  I have a lot of jealousy with friends.  I think I'm close with someone, then thanks to the internet I see that they talk more to someone else, tell them things that I end up finding out last or not at all, and it hurts.  It's not that they've done anything wrong, but that I've had unrealistic expectations.  I make myself frustrated then feel like I'm just not that kind of person people want as their best friend.  Which is fine.  I still have Vikki and Patti, but I can't always tell them EVERYTHING and they have their own lives far from me.  I don't think I've ever been jealous with Patti, but with Vikki I know I have.  She has a lot of friends aside from me and there are quite a few above me - and it's frustrating to never know where you stand.  People will call me their "best friend" but their actions say the opposite, and I feel like I put too much of my need for friendship on Johnny.  He has a job, things to take care of, and his own friends.  I can't have 100% of his time.  He's never complained, but I feel like if I don't find one it'll start to affect our relationship - me needing him all the time.

Dear Friend,
I know you care and are there for me, but I get jealous when I realize how much closer you are with your other friends.  You're generally the first person I want to tell things to, good or bad, when they happen.  I know I'm not the same for you and that's okay... it just took me some time to realize that it's not exactly what I thought it was.  I'm sorry I get jealous, and I hope you don't realize it when I am.

On a more important note, my son has pneumonia.  I really hope he's better soon, and has been improving each day.  It's just hard to be away from him when he's not feeling good.  I'm very thankful that he was seen by a doctor right away, and it was caught at the beginning.

I should really exercise a little bit.  "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy."  So hopefully it will pick up my mood a little bit!

I never did get to watch Jersey Shore last night, I was actually able to fall asleep.  I was surprised!  I got basically all of my homework done for the week.  I want to go over some lectures for FAS331 tomorrow, and if I feel okay with the material I might take Exam 1 early.  It's due March 10th, so that would mean the only other assignment for that class until the beginning of April would be the Safe Assignment, which is probably going to require a LOT of work.  It involves me pulling information from 10 different current articles.  Once I get that out of the way, the rest of the semester should be a little easier to handle.  After the exam, if anything I will get next week's ENG294 and possible DCE201 done.  Then I'll only have one class to work on, which I could probably do Friday.  I don't think I would necessarily relax next week, but if I can be a few weeks ahead with everything through Spring Break - in reality, it would give me a 2-3 week break instead of 1.  That would be nice!

For some reason I am really thirsty tonight!  I went through an entire glass of Tampico within 10 minutes, I just don't want to walk all the way to the other side of the house or I would totally get more.  I'll just have to last until morning I guess.  I was able to workout twice today, and want to keep on that for the rest of this week.  Next week I need to do some kind of increase, whether I start doing P90X along with what I'm doing or something else - but I want to continue losing the way I have been.  I could possibly be in the 140's by the middle of March.  I don't want to set a goal for that, I just wanted to hit 145 by the end of April, but I just really think there's a possibility it could happen.

Something I've noticed, TV loves to torture me.  I swear... everywhere I look there are pregnancy test ads and on the internet too.  Then, of course, topic of my CDE430 class this week - prenatal development and labor/delivery.  It's making me have baby fever like crazy, not to mention I ended up going through Xander's baby videos.  I hope we can have one soon...  It's just my luck that as soon as I cave, Johnny decides that I was right and we should wait.  Grr...  Oh well, I guess I can last two more months :)

I'm feeling a lot better tonight.  I would even dare to say I'm in a good mood!!  I had a relatively normal day, then started to get upset a few hours ago.  I asked Johnny to call me, he did and we talked.  I got to talk about a lot that's been on my mind, and it made me realize that he still loves me as much as ever and I have nothing to worry about.  It's part of why I love him so much, he always manages to make me feel better no matter what it is that I'm worried about.

Aside from all that, I finally got my period - which I was expecting anyway - but it was still an interesting few days of waiting!  It made me realize just how much I want to have a baby with him.  It's only a few months away, but I'm really looking forward to it.  I just heard a quote today that made me think of him...

"I didn't know how much I loved your father until I saw how much he loved you."

I think that's just perfect, and exactly the way it should be.

But aside from all of this loveliness, I have had this stuck in my head for an hour now so I must go watch Jersey Shore lol... "It's t-shirt tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!"

I had a full-on panic attack last night.  It wasn't necessarily because of Johnny though.  It was a combination of PMS, my own screwed up head, and just being stressed out.  I looked back through some old text messages and it made me realize how different things are now.  He really loves me, in that way where it's not going to just go away.  It's that forever kind of love, so I need to stop worrying so much.  I called a few too many times yesterday, and while I'm sure he won't hold it against me I don't want to be the nagging girlfriend.  I've made a point to only text once a day now, and call just once or twice.  I don't want to overdo it and I can't possibly explain how much he means to me and how badly I want this to work.  He's told me the same - that he really wants this to work.  All I can do is trust that everything will be fine and that I'll see him soon.

On another note... OOPS.  I'm 2 days late.  I'm on birth control, but that's still not a guarantee.  I don't really think I'm pregnant, the chances are so small, but it's not normal for me to be late at all.  We'll see what happens in the next few days.  Hope I hear from him soon.

I MAY get to see Johnny tomorrow.  It's kind of up in the air...  He was going to call me back, but I'm not sure if he will, he's doing some stuff for work.  I just hope I can get some time with him tomorrow - and I swear, I'm going to be so pissed if I get my period before tomorrow night!  But if he doesn't come, I guess it doesn't really matter.  I don't want to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to when I think about seeing him again.

There are a few good things that happened today though.  I submitted my applications for Columbia College (in SC, not the Columbia) and USC Sumter.  I hope I can get into USC, but that will depend on if my medical withdrawal from last semester gets approved or not.  My GPA is not in the best shape right now.  I still have to come up with $40 for the application fee for USC.

Not too much going on tonight, just hoping I can see him tomorrow.  Only time will tell!

I'm not exactly sure how I'm feeling right now, kinda numb I guess.  I don't really feel sad, but not happy either.  I talked to Johnny a little on Tuesday night - and he said he'd text me in the morning, which he didn't.  He's been getting up early for work so I expected that.  I feel frustrated though.  I'm not really mad at him, but it makes me wonder how much he really misses me when we're not together.  I know he has work, friends, stuff he needs to do - but he used to call me everyday.  I know - I'm here now, but does he just not want to call?  Or text even...  Whenever he leaves he says I can text him, when I can't see him for a week he says I can text him, but he rarely replies.  I'm not really mad, it just confuses me - doesn't he WANT to talk to me?  If it had always been this way I wouldn't worry, but it's definitely different.  Going from everyday to only calling when he's coming over - I just am not sure what to think, and to be honest it scares me a little.  Every time I see him, I think things are amazing and he seems really happy with me.  So why does it not seem like that's the case when we're not together?  I don't want him to feel like he HAS to call, but what I don't understand is shouldn't he want to?  Maybe I just don't understand his feelings for me the way I thought I did.  It scares the crap out of me to not know what he's thinking or if he's even missing me when he's gone.  I mean, he did say he wanted to marry me.  I just hope that doesn't change before it has the chance to happen.

Well, I suppose I was wrong.  I AM sad now.  I feel really alone and I hate feeling that way.  I asked him to call me tonight, but I really don't think it's going to happen.  Why can't it just be Saturday already, why can't he just be here...  I want to ask him to spend the night with me, but I don't think he will.  That is, if he comes.  We'll see.

It has been a really long day/night.  I have spent most of it doing homework and studying, with the exception of breakfast/lunch/dinner and my 30 minute workout.  My hand aches from writing, and I have given myself a migraine, but so is the life of a college student during testing times.  I have 2 tests tomorrow, and I believe another coming up soon.  I know it must be mostly due to PMS, and I keep reminding myself of that, but there are a few things bugging me.  For one, the fact that Johnny will be gone for something like 2 weeks between now and the summer.  The first, a week-ish in April for a concert.  Again in June, just weeks after we're married, for another concert.  If he doesn't call or text me while he's gone, it's going to cause some serious problems.  I want him to have fun and spend time with his friends, but I need to be a priority.  He wants to marry me, so I should come first at some point, right?  I know I'm likely worrying for nothing, but the days we don't talk SUCK - today being one of them - and makes me wonder if I've crossed his mind at ALL during the day.  I'm sure I have... but it would be nice to see that!  I have a few things to talk to him about on Saturday, some more pleasant than others.

AF that is.  I'm about 3 days away, and an emotional wreck.  I'm crying, why? - I couldn't tell you.  I miss Johnny.  We haven't been able to talk since he was here yesterday.  So why am I freaking out?  God.  I hate this.  I really hope I can talk to him tonight, that would definitely help.  But if not, this week is going to be miserable!!  And I'm most likely going to get my monthly visit the night before I see him.  That's so frustrating to me, because I'm a very physically affectionate person and the fact that I have to limit myself with him - especially since I only see him once a week - bothers me.  Maybe I'll get really lucky and not get it until after he leaves...  It frustrates me even more to be so upset and not be able to know the exact reason why.  I just feel like crying over everything lately, and I am not looking forward to TTC if this is what I'll feel like when I'm pregnant.  Granted, I will be with him every night when I'm pregnant but I don't like feeling so vulnerable.  I feel so alone right now, and it sucks!

I know he loves me.  I know he wants to be with me, and I can see it every time he looks at me.  Every time he touches my hand, kisses me, says, "I love you".  I just feel sad, and worried, and scared.  I hate this part of being a woman.  At least if I was with him right now, he could tell me to calm down.  He would tell me to chill out, that everything will be fine and hold me, kiss me.  I so need that reassurance from him tonight.  I don't have any doubts with him or about him or us - I just feel like crap and I want it to go away.  I can't focus on anything - homework, or even just talking to people.  I hate going to sleep crying or upset, because I ALWAYS wake up and there is no message or call from him, and I feel even worse.  It just ruins my whole day.  Again - this week is going to SUCK.

It was a long night.  It's always really hard for me to fall asleep after Johnny leaves.  I'm usually okay by lunchtime the next day, it's just hard - wanting to wake up next to him, and knowing I have 3 1/2 more months before that can happen.  I think it's going to be a bigger adjustment for him, to being married, than for me.  I've done it (sort of) before.  I was the good little housewife, cooking and cleaning and taking care of the baby.  He's only had to be accountable to himself.  I have no doubt that he can do it, I just wonder what it will be like.  I know he has to go out of town a few weeks after we get married, and I'm already not looking forward to that.  It will probably be one of the longest weeks (okay, 4 days) of my life.

Lunchtime again... hopefully I will be able to get all of homework done today, without staying up late again.  I'm really looking forward to Saturday, and seeing him again.  I just have the best feeling about us, and no matter what challenges keep coming p - I know it's right, and it's real, and it is really going to last this time.

It was a good day, but short.  It's always a good day when I see Johnny.  I can't help but smile when I'm with him.  He makes me feel so loved!  I think all this wedding stuff is stressing me out too much.  Johnny can definitely tell it stresses me out.  Yes, it makes me happy, but the planning stresses me to no end.  A friend of mine was getting stressed out and just got married by a judge.  While I don't want that, I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to say screw everyone else!  I am planning on a big change.  We'll get married... but it will just be Johnny and I.  A nice little ceremony, dinner after just the two of us, and have a big reception in a year.  Then we can invite everyone and really celebrate - but I need to keep this about US.  Just to give you an idea, before our wedding payments were: $400, $780, $825, $300.  Now, they would be $405, $210, $300, $50 - then just $150 after the wedding to have our photos printed and get ready to move Xander in with us after the summer.  I don't know why I've been trying so hard to make everyone else happy.  I'm going to see also if we can move the date up from May 29 to April 18.  It's going to go by very quickly either way... but that would take a huge weight off my shoulders.  I'll feel better after I talk to him about this on Saturday (the next time I see him) and he tells me he's okay with that, that it's just about us, all those good things that he always says to calm me down and bring me back to reality.  He keeps me grounded, he really does.

I'm not happy my team lost last night.  Especially to a team that sucks as bad as Green Bay - but that's okay.  We'll be back next year - and they won't.  We've still won more superbowls than them anyway, lol.

Okay, but enough about that.  I've still been able to stick to what I want.  This is day #3 exercising, and I hope I can keep up with it.  I want to lose 20 pounds by the wedding, which is an average of 1.6 lbs per week.  That's a pretty healthy goal.  I just have to keep up with the exercise.  After two weeks, if I'm below my goal even by half a pound I'll change to two workouts a day instead of one.  I think I can do it.  Plus, what I'm doing focuses on my abs - the part that is the biggest problem for me.  My scale will be here anytime between Thursday and next Tuesday.  If I'm 164 or lower this next Saturday (my chosen weigh-in date), or 162 or lower in 2 weeks I will be ecstatic.  That would mean everything was going according to plan.  I just have to keep up with it.  No excuses this time around, I have the house to myself during the day.  This is also why I picked 10am!  If I workout at 10am, I still have time to shower and get ready the days Johnny comes over.

I have to talk to him about wedding stuff today.  It's probably going to be a pain, but it needs to be done.  We have to...

*choose the wedding bands
*choose flavors and set up cake tasting
*set up time to look at ceremony venue, sign contract, and pay deposit

We have to do all of these things today, so that we can...

*order cake
*order wedding bands
*book location

Which we have to do this month!  I may also show him some rings I like, lol.  HINT HINT HINT!  I love that I'm marrying him in a few months, but I want to be able to show it as proud as I am!  I want him to pick the ring, I really do - as long as it's not yellow gold I'm happy!  I did break down a little yesterday morning, because I feel like I'm doing all of this myself and he's just along for the ride!

There is one challenge that I'm not quite sure how to handle just yet.  My Dad.  It is really important to me that he is there, and if he refuses to come I don't know if I can deal with that.  I've already warned Johnny that if my dad were to not show up, I would be an absolute wreck.  I just hope that his denial won't keep him from his daughter's wedding, because honestly - I don't see my sister wanting him there when she gets married.  She hasn't even talked to him in years, except email to ask for money when she needed a car.

3 1/2 months away.  I feel like a very lucky woman.  And in a few hours, I'll see my love again :)

So, I may be exaggerating a little.  I talked to Johnny, and he's coming over tomorrow instead of tonight being that he's really tired.  We didn't have set plans for tonight, it was most likely Monday but he would try for tonight too.  He apologized, and I don't think he needed to!  He said he was sorry about tonight, but was just really tired.  That's okay by me!  That is so sweet...  It's not exactly chocolate and flowers kinda sweet, but it still melted my heart a little.  I've never been with a truly kind and considerate person, so it's still new to me.  It was good to hear from him though.

I hope he's okay with the wedding location I chose.  I know he's not a fan of Easley, and the location isn't really far from there.  We will see.  Once I find out if he's okay with that, I have to make arrangements for a few things next weekend.  Since we're going to Greenville to meet up with Jenn, I'll have to set up a cake tasting so we can order our wedding cake and also I want to go see the ceremony venue in person.  On top of that, this month we also need to choose and order our wedding bands.  He still needs to buy my ring too, but that's completely on him and I'm not going to even worry about it.

I still can't believe that in just over a month I'll be telling my dad to take a few days off, although not giving a reason why yet, and in 2 months I'll be sending out invitations.  In 3 1/2 months, I'll be a Mrs. and can finally call him my husband.  I can't believe it.  It's still all so very surreal!  I'm a very happy woman, and what's even better is it shows that I really do make him happy.  It's the best feeling in the world (aside from being a mother of course!).  After these next two cycles, I'll also be going off of my birth control.  We don't officially start TTC until after the wedding, so hopefully my body will be back to normal by then.

Amongst all this happiness though, I've become quite frustrated.  I was very good friends with this girl for a long time, but we had a BAD falling out.  Regardless of the problems, she was going through a lot so I was there for her.  I'm frustrated because I'm watching her go through what I went through over 2 years ago.  Her daughter is a week old, and her boyfriend just left her out of nowhere.  Men can be so frustrating sometimes.  I can't thank God enough that I was so blessed for Johnny to come into my life.  I only hope she can have the same happiness someday, and get through everything in one piece.

I'm a little stressed out right now.  Johnny was supposed to come over either tonight, or tomorrow - but I haven't heard from him since Thursday night.  On top of that, there's a lot of stuff about the wedding that I need to talk to him about either tonight or tomorrow - about what needs to get done this month.  I am so overwhelmed.  On top of still needing to come up with $300 by May, I still have to keep up with my schoolwork and keep this wedding together.  I have half a mind to just go to a judge right now, but I know it will be worth it in the end.  I just wish it was a little less stressful!  Or that we could talk more, so I wouldn't feel like I'm doing this completely by myself.  I really hope I do see him tonight, because I don't know how much more I can handle without talking to him.  Even just a text would make me feel better right now.  And yeah, it may be a little paranoid, but the wedding is in 3 1/2 months.  He could always change his mind in that time, and that is at the back of my mind too.  I really need to get out of this house, for my own sanity, and I need to talk to and see him soon.

I worked out tonight.  30 minutes of cardio.  I'm proud of myself for getting the motivation to do it, even if it was 11pm!  I ordered a scale, which I'll have to start tracking weightloss in a week or so.  I feel like such a recluse, but I don't get out often because of the cold and the lack of a car right now - so a lot of my stuff I've ended up getting online.  Tomorrow is supposed to be warmer, so I'm hoping I won't be so cold that I just stay in bed like I did today - and granted, technically it is tomorrow but that's beside the point.  I have a few things to turn in tomorrow, and I've been staying on track with school.  So far, my grades are A, A, B+, and no grades so far for the last class.  I won't have a grade until the beginning of next month, so for now I'm just keeping up on the reading.

One thing that does frustrate me is that most days Johnny works I don't hear from him.  I know he's busy, and needs to unwind at the end of the day - plus, weekend shifts are longer.  And yes, I'll see him Monday... but I still  miss him, even if it is less than a week we're apart!  I feel so close to him already, and I mean physically of course because we were already emotionally close.  I feel that "something missing" that I can't hold his hand or kiss him or be in his arms when we're apart.  This changes in May when we get married, I do know that, but it's still hard!  I can't wait to see him again.

My mission for tomorrow/today: turn in essay and discussion board posts, read ch 1 and 2 in "families", and workout.  Maybe this will be a motivator and keep me somewhat accountable for myself!  I can't believe I'm already 20% through the semester and doing so well!

I did get some homework done today.  I really want to get as much done as possible tonight, so I can get on some kind of exercise schedule over the weekend.  I would love to lose 10-15 pounds before the wedding, and would be ecstatic with 20!  Who knows, maybe I won't need as much alterations as I originally planned.  I only have two more days I have to wait until I can see Johnny again.  I am also very excited because... I got a new siggy for my message board and I am so in love with it!



It's perfect, and yay :)  Not a whole lot happened today, but maybe this weekend will be more eventful!

Today was not as productive as it could have been.  I got a little bit of homework done, and figured out some wedding budget stuff.  Our payments aren't horrible, but it will be a challenge.  We'll have to pay $400 in February, $800 in March, $800 in April, and $400 in May.  That could go up or down a little, but that's about what we're looking at.  Won't be easy.  I'm going to have to talk to Johnny about it on Monday, since I'm not the one paying!  I hope it's doable...  I'm going to have a lot of work to get done over the weekend, but Johnny works this weekend so I will have all that time to myself.  I'm still adjusting to the time change a little bit, but getting used to it slowly.

So I got an email today that there is apparently a "dismissed charge" coming up on my background check.  It was dismissed by the state, so WHY IS IT COMING UP?  Do they not know what "expunged" means?  I mean really...  I need to get this straightened out.  I'm going to make a few phone calls tomorrow, if I get to it.  I have a lot of other more important things to take care of right now.  Like homework, for instance.

I did get to talk to Johnny on the phone a little bit tonight.  We don't get to talk as much on days he works, but it definitely feels good to talk to him before I wind down for the night and go to bed.  I'm going to try to catch up on Days of our Lives and Cougar Town before I go to sleep.  Most likely, I'll pass out before I can finish half of what is planned!

I always thought it was such a cheesy phrase, but I get it now!  Today was absolutely amazing.  Johnny called, said he had a few things to do and he would be here soon but that the drive takes 55 minutes.  I said I know.  About 15 minutes later he calls back and says open the back door - he completely surprised me!  It was the most perfect day.  We spent some time together talking and he took me to lunch at Red Robin - I had never been there, I was surprised how good the food was!  Then we went to Bi-Lo (grocery store) and I got some shampoo, conditioner, deoderant, and toothpaste - one of my boxes has yet to arrive - and he paid for everything!  He is such a sweet man, and really treats me great.

I did officially change my status to "engaged".  It felt so good - especially to hear all the support I have!  After we got back, we hung out in my room - he showed me some video clips he likes, and we talked some more, and he just held me.  We were joking around and he said I was stuck with him and I said "promise?"... and he did :)  We talked about some of the wedding stuff, and I love how happy he is about all of it.

 We're going in a few weeks to Greenville to meet up with Jenn and get the scarf :)  I'm excited.  I get to spend the day with my future husband, meet one of my favorite friends, and get an awesome scarf - and of course get to explore a little more of this new state that I call my home :)

Johnny will be here soon.  He called me this morning.  I feel so much better!  I can't wait to see him again, and kiss him.  I can't believe how comfortable he makes me feel.  I just feel so blessed, and so proud that I'll be able to call him my husband in 4 months.  Sorry to keep this so short, but I'll update more later!

Last night was the best and worst night of my life.  I have never felt more loved or rejected.  He got here and I was still in disbelief.  I couldn't believe it was really happening.  I felt something right away.  From the moment he walked in the door, I couldn't stop looking at him - his strong arms, his beautiful brown eyes.  He gave me Zicam, which if you don't know you have to dissolve on your tongue.  The entire time I had to wait was torture, when all I wanted to do was kiss him.  I was cold, so we went back into the bedroom and sat on the bed.  While the Zicam was still dissolving, he gave me a shoulder massage.  His hands felt so good on my skin, it took every ounce of strength not to turn around and kiss him.  When it finally dissolved, he pulled me down to lay with him and he kissed me.  It seems like we kissed all night.  Some were sweet, some were sexy, some were just downright intoxicating.  Everytime we talked, we lay back down together.  He would kiss my nose, even give me eskimo kisses - it was PERFECT.  That is not for lack of a better word.  Nothing could have made it better.  We would talk again, and then back to sweet sweet kisses.  He looked in my eyes and said "you're so beautiful" like he couldn't even believe it.  I have never felt more loved than at that moment.  I can't talk about what upset me last night, I'm so exhausted from it and it hurts too much to think about.  I only want to remember the good.  I hope I didn't screw anything up last night, because I'm going to marry this man.  As terrified as I am, I have so much faith in our love and what we have.  He told me last night, before things went downhill, that he wasn't going anywhere - that I was stuck with him.  God, I hope that's true.  I don't want to ever lose him.  I've never loved any man this way.  I just keep praying that I will still see him today.

I feel significantly worse today.  I felt like I was going to "get sick" starting last night, and still continuing this morning.  Johnny said he would bring me some medicine later, but I have no idea what time and would prefer sooner rather than later!  It's very frustrating that the first time he sees me, I'll be sick and probably not the most appealing thing to look at.  I hope he's not put off by it at all.  All I can do is try to eat, get some rest, and try to get better.  My mom thinks it is somehow related to what she had, which lasted at its worst for 3 days.  If that's the case, I am definitely okay with that.  That would mean tomorrow would be the worst of it, before I start getting better.  I did get the homework done yesterday that I needed to, but what I need to do today requires a bit more effort and may take longer.  I can't afford to get behind while I'm sick!  I need to answer two discussion questions about Petrarch's sonnets, reply to two classmates' responses, and write a short essay about the meaning of one of the sonnets we were assigned to read.  If I can feel decent for even an hour, I can probably get it done.  This is not the way I wanted to start things out here.

I woke up at 5am this morning, but since I haven't adjusted yet it felt like 3am!  Johnny called me, which in and of itself made it a good morning.  He's bringing me medicine tomorrow after work, since my "cold" is starting to get really bad.  I couldn't hardly sleep last night, it was so hard to breathe.  I took a hot shower this morning, and it helped a little, but I still feel crummy.  Also, it didn't help that all I ate yesterday was a single-serving pasta meal and two mini-bagels all day.  I'm doing better with eating already.  Had two mini-bagels and some water.  I need to go to the store soon!  I need orange juice, cream cheese, and allergy medicine at the very least.  Aside from adjusting to the time, I have to adjust to the cold!  The high here today is 53, and it was high 60's back in Arizona.  Cold!!  And it's supposed to rain today.  We'll see what happens!!

My mission for today is to get some homework done, apply for jobs, and rest to get better!

Woo hoo!  My room is done, and I got all moved in tonight.  Well, sorta.  I still have a lot of unpacking to do, but it's exciting.  I'm definitely feeling a lot more positive.  Now, on to the bad.  This past year, some "friends" screwed me over as they were under my account with Verizon Wireless.  Well, by canceling the lines - the secondary company I bought the phones through (Wirefly.com, aka Simplexity) took $500 from my account.  Apparently they have a legal right to do that.  Don't you just LOVE the fine print??  So I had a mini-breakdown.  That's two and a half month's rent!!  So I'm really pushing to get a job now.  My mom is selling my couch, old phone, and a few other things from back home in Arizona - she's going to send me the money for a good portion of it to help me out.  If we can get even $200, that's a whole month's rent for me.  Also, the owner of the house is calling a few people to see if there are any jobs for me that way.  I am so grateful that people are so willing to help me.  I feel so positive!

Here's my [finished] room!





[bathroom]





I need to finish unpacking... such a mess!

It was a challenging day!  Xander was crying for me when I left, and it nearly killed me.  I cried on and off all day, between the airport and the flight.  I cried a lot of last night.  I felt a lot better this morning, but my back is still killing me from the awful plane seats!  It's a really nice place - I'm only renting a room, but I'm happy with it.

I started sneezing a few days before I left, so I knew I was getting sick.  I just realized why I'm sneezing worse than normal.  I'm allergic to dogs and cats, but after a week adjust that's why I was okay at home.  After flying for the day, now there's a dog here and I'm sneezing again!  I will be okay by next week, but it's definitely amplifying my cold!

My "temporary room" - my room is still being fixed up, but will be ready by tonight:



My room:






Laundry room:




Living room:



Formal dining room:



Kitchen:



lil Guest bathroom:




Eating area:



"Rec Room" aka Sophie (the dog)'s room:



View to outside:

It's time.  I'm getting ready to head to airport, and I'm honestly not feeling too confident right now.  I'm a complete mess and woke up feeling like "I don't wanna go!".  I hope all of this is worth it.  I'm having a panic attack about being away from my son for even a day, let alone months.  I know he'll be okay, but it hurts my heart.  Maybe I'll download a movie to watch on the flight, that might calm my nerves.  I still have some last minute packing to do, so I'll update you when I'm in Columbia!

Sometimes it takes giving up everything you know to get a new start, and make a better life for yourself.  Of course, in my case, it's about more than just me.  It's about my son, too.  Staying longer in Arizona would be easier, but we need a new start.  I don't want us to be stuck here forever.  The hardest part is having to be away from my son for 4 months.  He's been all I've had for the past 2 years, the only person I've ever loved this way.  I've been selfish and not had to share him with his dad.  It's just been me and him.  Now, until I can get a job and create a stable environment for him in South Carolina - he will be staying with my mom and sister, the only other people he's grown up knowing as his family.  Am I doing the right thing?  I think so.  Am I sure?  Of course not.  But I could not forgive myself for dragging him out here just to have to go back if it doesn't work out.  I bought a webcam for my mom, so I can see him everyday - but the separation anxiety is overwhelming.  I leave tomorrow morning, to fly from Phoenix to Columbia.  I hope I can get a job quickly and get life started for us.  24 hours from now, I'll be boarding my plane at the Phoenix Sky Harbor airport.  Until then, I am soaking up every moment I can with my sweet baby boy, who is just growing so quickly.